So usually, what we do here is that I write about a book, a place, and a lesson that are all somehow connected. Sometimes the connection is so tenuous, it exists only as a flimsy glimmer in my mind, but it’s there.
There is no connection today. One can simply not be made. I want to write about standardized testing, but I sure as heck don’t want to read a book about it. And where would one travel to explore something related to standardized testing? (The College Board Headquarters? No thanks).
So I figured I take this opportunity to write about a book I would NEVER teach (or even bring into the classroom) and a delightful little adventure plan that has nothing to do with World History.
So here goes:
Standardized Teaching: How to Keep Yourself Entertained
The thing about standardized testing is that it is very boring. Not for students, but for teachers.
While students are entertained with reading questions, document-based essays, or math problems, you, the teacher, have to watch them.
Some principals and school districts allow teachers to camp out in front of their computers, grading papers, planning lessons, and mapping out their upcoming paddleboard trips. Those teachers are very lucky and don’t need to read the tips below.
But most schools require their teachers to be actively ambling around the classroom, ensuring that students are on task. These teachers are not allowed to sit, work, read, stare at computer screens, or do anything that looks productive or entertaining.
So. Here are my top tips for staying secretly entertained and/or productive while proctoring tests:
Plant an open book in one corner of your classroom. Every few minutes you can walk over to the book and casually read a few paragraphs, and then go back to pacing. This is a good time to tackle one of those lyrical or hard-to-understand books (perhaps Ulysses), as you’ll have plenty of time to ponder what you just read.
Walk around with an index card and a pen. Write an article, to-do list, or an entire book as you pace between rows of students. Just don’t trip on any of their computer cords.
Kegels
Ever wanted to memorize a long poem? Now is the time. Have the poem printed out and hidden in your room somewhere, and practice lines in your head.
If you have hard copies of work to grade, you can also plant those in little stacks around the classroom. Walk over to pile #1, grade a paper. Move across the room to pile #2, grade a paper. Repeat.
Wall sits. Just do this behind the students so they don’t see you.
Embrace the boredom. It’s probably good for your brain.
A place to explore: Every lake on this here map
Remember a few weeks ago when I wrote about traveling to every library in the Sno-Isle system? Those were good times. It’s nice to have a goal. I need another one.
This summer’s goal: Paddleboard on every lake on this map:
Upon listing all the lakes out in my trusty bullet journal, I was delighted to find that there are exactly FIFTY lakes on the map (I didn’t double-check my work. If I’m wrong, I don’t want to know)
Can I get to all fifty lakes by the end of summer? If not, I suppose I could finally buy one of those wetsuits I keep eyeing and buy myself a couple more months of cold-weather paddling.
I bought a paddleboard a few years ago and have been OBSESSED with it ever since.
So far, I’ve been to exactly one lake this year: My daughter and I did a quick spin around Lake Stickney on Mother’s Day. We saw two fish jumping (yay!) and zero baby ducks (boo).
I’ll keep y’all updated on my paddle-quest. Fifty lakes seems like a lot, but I don’t have too many summer plans, so this challenge might be just what I need to feel like I’m feeding my travel bug without actually doing much traveling.
A book to read: LAMB: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore
DO NOT TEACH THIS BOOK!
You should read it though. Unless you are someone who loves book-banning. I bet book-ban aficionados would not appreciate this book.
It’s my favorite book ever. LAMB is my go-to gospel.
The premise of this book is that Biff, Jesus’s wisecracking BFF, has been resurrected by an angel in the year 2000 to write another gospel, this one specifically covering Jesus’s life (as made up by humor author Christopher Moore) from age 7 - 30, seeing as these childhood, teenage, and 20something years were left out of all the other gospels.
While the angel watches soap operas, professional wrestling matches, and MTV, Biff writes his gospel. He writes about how he and Jesus (called “Joshua” in the book) traveled through Asia to find the three magi that followed the star to attend his birth in Bethlehem. They hang out with Chinese concubines and scholars in the Middle East, live in a Buddhist monastery in China, and live in pits with untouchables in India, all while Josh learns how to be the Messiah.
They then return to Jerusalem to round up the disciples, wherein author Christopher Moore riffs on existing gospel stories.
An excerpt:
“What can we do?” said Andrew. “We’re only fishermen.”
“Come with me and I’ll make you fishers of men.”
Andrew looked at his brother who was still standing in the water. Peter shrugged and shook his head. Andrew looked at me, shrugged and shook his head.
“They don’t get it,” I said to Joshua.
Thus, after Joshua had some food and a nap and explained what in the hell he meant by “fishers of men,” we became seven.
...
We came to another small village and Peter pointed out two brothers who were fitting a new oarlock into the gunwale of a fishing boat.
…
“Come with us,” I said, “and we will make you oarlock makers of men.”
“What?” said Joshua.
“That’s what they were doing when we came up. Making an oarlock. Now you see how stupid that sounds?”
It’s the funniest book I’ve ever read, which is hardly a hot take. Most “best humor” book lists put LAMB atop the list.
Although some would describe it as sacrilegious, I actually feel more spiritual after reading it. I always want to go look up the referenced Bible stories. Whenever I find myself in a Church, I always snicker when the Gospel is being read, thinking about the analogous story in LAMB.1
While the book is gleefully anachronistic (they likely did not say “fuckstick” in the year 23), like all great historical fiction it’s meticulously researched. You can tell that author Christopher Moore poured over the Bible as he was writing, although this is what he has say on the subject:
…if the reader knows the Bible well enough to recognize the real references, there’s a good chance that he or she has decided not to read this book. [We]…advise those who are not familiar with the Bible to find someone who is, sit them down, read them the passages in question, then say, “That one real? How ‘bout that one?” If you don’t know someone who is familiar with the Bible, just wait, someone will come to your door eventually. Keep extra copies of Lamb on hand so they can take one with them.
All my extra copies of LAMB are gone, as I’m always foisting them upon people. Luckily the audio is always there for me, just as Biff is always there for Jesus :)
Whelp, that’s it folks! Have a great week teaching, (or testing), traveling, or reading.
My Mom LOVES this.
Kegels. LOL. Also, I grew up in Bothell my entire life and somehow never realized the bike trail behind my house was on the river that connected Lake Washington to Lake Sammamish!!! How?! What is my life? When was I supposed to learn WA State Geography and how did I fail so hard?! I’ll be up there this summer visiting my fam and paddle boarding on my sis board near Tacoma, absolutely not doing handstands but yes to waving at the seals 🦭!! Love this adventure for you!
The list had me laughing and remembering my times working in an elementary library on testing days. Not so terribly long, but still rather boring.